Guess what? Even 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' missed the mark on Orthodox Jewish sex! I've got Shely Esses on the show today—a Sex Therapist from Toronto, Canada. With her expertise in Jewish healing, she's here to bust myths and shine a light on the cultural nuances surrounding intimacy within the Orthodox Jewish community. Let's shtup in!

Show Notes

[00:00:00] Shely explains Judaism's sex-positive perspective: Emphasis on marital context for sexual activity.

[00:00:38] Jewish Myths Debunked: The "sheet with a hole" myth from Curb Your Enthusiasm and its origins linked to tzitzit - a traditional Jewish garment.

[00:01:50] Orthodox Jewish Marital Practices: Emphasizes on sexual satisfaction in marital agreements, the importance of physical intimacy, and the varying levels of observance and practice.

[00:03:26] Relationship with Local Orthodox Rabbis: Insights into personal connections, guidance, and the role of Yoetzet – female advisors.

[00:03:54] Mikveh and its Significance: Explores the role of menstrual blood in religious purity, and emphasizes on self-care, rejuvenation, and marital intimacy.

[00:07:21] Addressing Sexual Challenges: Approaches to tackle challenges like low desire and painful penetration, the importance of communication, techniques like dilator work, Sensate Focus, and the role of body image and sexual self-esteem.

[00:10:49] Premarital Counseling in the Jewish Community: Combines religious teachings with modern sexual health approaches while emphasizing pleasure and intimacy.

[00:12:33] Sexuality & Jewish Traditions: Highlights the significance of Shabbat in marital intimacy and the role of traditions in guiding sexual practices.

[00:13:27] Birth Control & Hasidic Community: Navigates the balance between religious beliefs and personal choices, and highlights the importance of rabbinical guidance and personal well-being.

[00:14:54] Addressing apprehensions around first-time intercourse.

[00:15:19] Shely's resources and methods:

• Recommends website OMGYES.
• Describes orgasms with the metaphor of waves.
• Discusses the importance of understanding the nervous system.

[00:15:51] Cultural insights: The significance of post-marriage intercourse in the Jewish tradition.

[00:16:12] The long-term approach to intimacy: Insights on grounding oneself before intimacy, differentiating between calmness and boredom, and advocating for meditation before sex.

[00:17:03] Michelle's input: Points out the resistance against integrating mindfulness and introduces Lori Brotto's workbook.

[00:17:24] Shely on dealing with trauma: Introduces the ventral vagal anchor technique as well as planning sex.

[00:17:48] Scheduled vs. spontaneous intimacy: Discusses the concept of Mikvah Night and addresses misconceptions about spontaneity in intimacy.

[00:18:16] Embracing terminology with confidence: Encourages understanding and confidently using terms related to sexual health and anatomy.

[00:18:49] Michelle's question on addressing shame: Shely emphasizes seeking sex therapy, particularly from professionals familiar with Jewish traditions.

[00:19:25] Resources: Dive into sex-positive aspects of Judaism with recommended readings like works by Dr. Ruth and The Kosher Kama Sutra by Shmuley Boteach.

[00:19:52] Closing remarks: Expresses gratitude to Shely for her invaluable insights and contributions.

Production Credits: katie@vocalfrystudios

About Shely:

Shely Esses RP (Qualifying) holds a marriage and family therapy (MFT) graduate degree from Iona University and currently resides in Toronto, Canada.

Shely is guided by a systemic lens, a way of seeing you as an individual with interpersonal and wider-world impacts on your life. She is passionate about helping people feel comfortable in their own skin. She is delighted to help individuals, couples, and families find balance and healing in their lives.

She is knowledgeable about the Orthodox community, ensuring clients feel understood halachically while discussing mental and physical health. She is also skilled at helping clients with pre-and post-marriage halachot.

Shely focuses on helping clients experiencing discomfort or anxiety about their sexual self-esteem, self-worth, and relationships. She is particularly interested in working with often overlooked or underserved communities, such as those in conservative religious minority groups and people in alternative relationships. Shely is skilled at weaving together practical and holistic techniques to promote nervous system regulation & deep mindfulness. 

Resources For Professionals:

Heavenly Sex: sexuality and the Jewish Tradition Dr Ruth & Jonathan Mark

The kosher Sutra: Eight Sacred Secrets for Reigniting Desire and Restoring Passion for Life by Rabbi Shmuleyu Boteach

Kabbalah and Sex Magic By Marla Segol

Podcast: Intimate Judaism with Talli Rosenbaum and Rabbi Scott Kahn

Fun reads: I will watch you: four short tales of Jewish love and Lust by Shoshana Pearl

Classes Taught by Shely: 3 CEs available! https://modernsextherapyinstitutes.com/product/sex-intimacy-and-connection-through-the-lens-of-the-sefirot-10-emanations-from-jewish-mysticism-3-ces-2023/

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